So it's more of a late-night thought-storm on reflection, but it's doubly applicable in that I often reflect as I lie awake at night. Usually I go over my day it seems, figuring out if I feel right about the actions I took and didn't take, and how I resolved anything that day. If something doesn't feel right with me, I'll try to determine what bothers me about it, and what I can do about it to change that. If I did something wrong I decide not only to apologize but how and why. I also think about where I'm at in my life in a more general sense, and I suppose see how okay with it I am.
Growing up, people often used to tell me I was pretty smart, and since I really enjoyed learning about everything around me, I suppose it made sense. Even growing up, there was always a part of me that struggled with being identified strongly as intelligent, since I felt like it was all others defined me by. I did well by all testing standards, and entered college just as I thought I always would. Here, is where I started to struggle with myself. Nothing seemed right for a degree, no program really felt like it was my calling, I couldn't choose. So I did nothing.
Okay well maybe not nothing, but I dropped out, and just focused on working, and... life, I guess. The idea of going to college and getting a career being a doctor or a scientist or a linguist was something I had always felt was inherent in myself. It was then, not even a full year through school, that I understood that I would not be going through college(at least not then). I wanted to just... be a person...? It's hard to explain, because it's not with any sentiment towards going to college or not, but I knew that there was a lot of life I didn't understand, and that all choices lead to other new ones, and new discoveries.
I chose to discover what it was like to not go to college, to challenge myself to discover who I am outside of who I thought I was. It's been a long 7 years in the service industry, often making close to minimum wage. I've been a manager, I've cashiered, cooked, served, and bartended. I still do. Sometimes, when I think about the close friends I have who graduated with me, the three of them all have gone on to do amazing things, and I am immensely proud of them. It can be difficult not to want to compare my "achievements" to theirs and not feel down on myself.
I look back on my life, and I truly think about the people I've met, the lives I've been a part of, and the impact of my life and actions, I come to see some important things.
I have become the person I am today by being the person I was yesterday. My choices and actions have always been my own to make and I have understood the responsibility of that knowledge. I do my best to be an understanding person, and be respectful and positive towards others. I think of how others will feel, and try to understand how something might look from their perspective. Everyday, in the hopes of being a good person, I try to be a better person. I don't always get it right, but if you know me, you'll know that I'm stubborn, and I'm not want to quit for nigh anything.
Trot On Everypony,
Alturiigo
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